Welcome to Common Roads

It’s natural. Scientists have pointed out that in practically every animal species homosexuality exists. It is as much a part of nature as heterosexuality.

It’s healthy. No matter what some people might tell you, being gay is just as healthy as being straight.

It’s normal. Advice columnist Ann Landers once wrote: “It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, so many people fail to understand that homosexuality is not a lifestyle that is chosen. That ‘choice’ was made at birth.” Most experts agree that sexual orientation is a matter of genetics, biology, and environment – it could be set before birth or as early as two years old. If you are wondering why you’re gay, the answer is that some people are gay and some people are straight just as some people have blue eyes and some have brown eyes. It’s just one more piece of who you are.

Top

How do I know if I am gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender?

Some people say that they “felt different” at a young age. Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they reach adolescence or adulthood.

At some point, almost everybody gets a “crush” on someone of the same sex – a great teacher or a friend’s older sister or brother. Almost everybody’s “best friend” is of the same sex. None of that means you’re gay.

One or two sexual experiences with someone of the same sex may not mean you’re gay, either. Likewise, one or two sexual experiences with someone of the opposite sex may not mean you are straight. Many straight people have some sexual experiences with their own gender and many gay people have some sexual experiences with the opposite gender.

Crushes and experimentation are a part of figuring out what works best for you, especially during the teen years. Over time, you’ll find that you’re drawn mostly to men or to women or to both.

It may take a while for you to put a name to your feelings but you shouldn’t worry about labeling yourself right away. You don’t have to be sexually active to know your sexual orientation either – feelings and emotions are just as much a part of your identity. You’ll know when you know.

Top

What does it mean to be intersex?

Once called hermaphrodites, intersex individuals are those born with ambiguous genitalia or genitalia having characteristics of both sexes. Often doctors will immediately perform surgery to assign the infant’s sex, typically removing male characteristics and ‘creating’ a female.

Advocates today are asking doctors and parents to wait until the child is old enough to self-identify the appropriate biological sex and gender since this surgery is medically unnecessary. Once old enough, the child may choose whether or not to have the surgery. Individuals who had the surgery as infants later experience conflict with their assigned gender that is similar to that experienced by transgender people.

There are approximately 15 forms of sex anatomy variations. It is estimated that one in 2,000 children are born with noticeably atypical genitalia.

Top

Should I try to change my sexual identity or gender identity?

No. Efforts to do so are not only unnecessary, they are damaging. Many religious and secular organizations claim that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity because there is something wrong. No studies have proven long-term changes in gay or transgender people. Most reported changes are based only on behavior and not a person’s actual self-identity.

Top

I think I may be gay, but my religion says it is immoral.

There are faith communities that are welcoming and supportive of their homosexual members. If faith is an important part of your life, look for positive congregations to support you.

Top

Should I come out?

You should come out only if you want to and only when you are ready. Don’t come out just because someone else thinks you should.

Sometimes there are very good reasons not to come out. There are real risks involved. There are people who won’t accept you, people who will do and say terrible things. They could be people you love or depend on for financial support, companionship, or encouragement.

There are also very good reasons to let some people know that you’re gay. Hiding who you are keeps your relationships from being real. Many GLBT individuals find that the loneliness and isolation of keeping a secret is worse than any fear of coming out.

You have to come out to yourself before you come out to others. This means not only knowing you’re gay, but being comfortable with being gay and being sure of who you are as a person. Knowing you’re gay is just being aware of one more piece of who you are. You are the same person you were before; you just know more about yourself.

You might want to educate yourself about being gay before you come out. You can do this by reading books about coming out and talking to other gay people. By learning about others’ experiences, you’ll know what to expect when you come out. Tell your new gay friends that you are getting ready to come out so they can support you.

Top

Who should I tell?

Tell only those people who you want to know. The people you tell first should be the ones you trust the most. You need to be able to trust them not to hurt you, to accept you as you are, and to respect your privacy and not tell anyone you don’t want told.

Think about what you could lose by telling a particular person. Would a parent kick you out of the house? Would they cut you off from your friends? Would a friend withdraw from you? Would they tell other kids at school?

Also think about what you could lose by not telling a particular person. Is the secret putting a strain on your relationship with parents or friends? Would you be closer with them and be able to get support from them if they understood why you were acting withdrawn?

If there is someone you would like to come out to but are not sure how they will react, try to feel them out first. Get them talking about a book or a movie about gays to see where they stand. A person might joke about a gay character in a movie without thinking but show far more thoughtfulness when responding to your coming out. On the flip side, parents and friends who seem accepting of gay characters in the media might be less accepting of homosexuality in someone close to them.

Top

How do I tell my parents?

Before coming out to your parents, think about their general reaction to gays. Do they have gay friends? Is their religion accepting? Have you heard them say there’s anything wrong with being gay?

Think also about your relationship with your parents. In the past, have they shown that they love you even when they’re upset with you? Have they stuck by you even when you’ve done something they didn’t like?

Think about what might happen after you’ve told them. Do you have a place to stay if you had to leave home? Do you have someone else you could turn to if your parents cut you off financially?

If you answered “no” to these questions, it might be best to wait until you have a safe place to go and a way to support yourself before coming out to your parents. If you answered “yes” to all of the questions, then it’s probably safe to tell them. Weigh the “yes’s” and the “no’s” and trust your gut. If you are terrified about coming out to your parents, pay attention to that. Not all parents will be accepting.

It will be easier to talk to your parents when you are feeling good about yourself. If you’re feeling confused, it could increase your parents’ confusion and give them less confidence in your judgment. Be ready with answers to their questions. You will seem more self-assured if you’ve done your homework and your parents will be more confident that you are ready to take responsibility for yourself. PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has support groups for parents of gay children. They have excellent pamphlets on coming out. It might be a good idea to contact the local chapter to talk with someone or get more information before coming out to your parents. You can contact the Central Pennsylvania chapter at (717) 728-8800 or visit their website at www.pflagcentralpa.org for more information. Remember that your parents are from an older generation, one that in some ways was more homophobic than yours. They may need some time to accept your being gay, just as you probably needed some time yourself. Even if they are accepting of gays in general, they may be shocked to learn that you are gay. They may worry about what your being gay says about them or that they have failed you in some way. That worry can come out as anger and defensiveness.

Parents often feel that their teen is rejecting them or their way of life as the teen becomes more independent and parents are forced to let go of images they have of what their son or daughter will be. Parents of gay teens may feel this sense of loss and rejection even more strongly. They are most likely going to be worried about whether this will put you in danger, whether you will have a happy life, and whether you will have a family of your own. This can make them ignore or deny what you have told them.

Even when coming out to your parents is rather easy, it’s hard. Make sure you have other people you can talk to because the more support you have, the better.

Top

Will I lose my straight friends?

Most teens state that they have more straight friends now that they’re “out.” Not only that, but their confidence increased and they felt happier since coming out. Being close to people is easier when there is nothing to hide and you’re comfortable with yourself.

Coming out at school does have its problems, especially if your school is in a small town or rural area. Kids can be very cruel, particularly when they are unsure of themselves and are looking for ways to build themselves up. The harassment can make life miserable.

When making the decision to come out to friends, be careful to trust only those who will respect your privacy. Friends who gossip can cause problems, even if they don’t mean to hurt you.

Some of your friends might be supportive right away. One or two might have already guessed that you’re gay. Both guys and girls say it is generally easier to come out to girls.

Some friends may wonder if your coming out to them is a way of coming on to them, which might make them feel uncomfortable. Some may wonder if they are gay since you’re a close friend and you’re gay.

Just as with your parents, your friends may need time to adjust to the idea of your being gay. Try to think about how each friend is likely to feel and how you can let them know that you have not changed.

Top

Where do I find gay friends?

Finding new friends who know exactly what you are going through because they’ve been through it or are in the process of coming out themselves is really important.

A gay youth organization, like Common Roads, is a good place to start. You won’t have to worry about trying to figure out whether another teen is gay or not. You will find new friends to share experiences with and draw support from and learn more about yourself in the process.

It may seem to you that you’re the only gay person at your school. You’re not. There are other gay students whom you might already know but not know that they’re gay. It is sometimes difficult to figure out if someone is gay if they are not completely “out.”

Top

Will I be accepted?

There’s prejudice and discriminations everywhere; against blacks, against women, against older people, against almost any group you can think of. It takes time to overcome prejudice and change attitudes.

Our society has a “heterosexual assumption.” We are taught by our families, schools, religions, and the media to assume that everyone is straight. Based on this assumption, we are influenced to discriminate against those who are not heterosexual. Only recently has this “assumption” begun to change. The prejudice you face can range from something minor, like someone assuming you are straight, to something much worse. Gays are at risk for being beaten up, evicted from their homes, and fired from their jobs just for being gay. People tend to fear what they don’t understand and hate what they fear. This is the basis of prejudice. When it is aimed at gays, it’s called “homophobia.”

Homophobia is being challenged more and more as people are learning that being gay is normal and healthy. Attitudes are changing partly because gay individuals are standing up and saying, “I’m gay and I’m proud.” Attitudes are also changing because straight allies are standing up with gays to declare pride in their gay children, friends, or siblings.

Top

A friend told me she/he was gay. What should I say?

A friend that comes out to you is sending you a message that they trust you and value your friendship enough to be honest. Remember that sexual orientation is just one part of ourselves. She or he is still the same person.

Show your support by listening and educating yourself about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender issues. Do not break their confidence unless she or he is struggling with suicidal feelings.

Top

How do I get beyond the stereotypes?

Ignore stereotypes! Be yourself. Gay people, like straights, act all kinds of ways. Sometimes a stereotype about a certain group does not fit anyone in that group.

You might think that all gay men are feminine. To show how ridiculous and untrue that statement is, here are just a few recent examples: Chris Kanyon – professional wrestler; John Amaechi – professional basketball player; Esera Tuaolo – professional football player; and Derrick Peterson – Olympic runner.

Some people try to act the opposite of stereotypes. Some straight males who aren’t sure of their sexuality may act super macho, as do some gay men who are afraid of being “outed.” Some lesbians act very feminine for the same reason.

Just remember that you do not need to prove anything to anybody. Just be yourself.

Top

Do I need to worry about HIV and AIDS?

Everyone needs to be informed about HIV and AIDS. It’s not who you are – gay or straight, male or female, black or white – but what you do that puts you at risk for infection.

There are three main ways you can become infected with HIV: (1) by having unprotected sex with someone who is infected; (2) by sharing drug needles or syringes with an infected person; or (3) an infected woman can pass the virus to her baby during pregnancy or birth.

You cannot tell if someone has HIV by looking at them. The virus can be inactive for as long as ten years. Someone who looks healthy could still be infected.

Here’s how you can protect yourself. Don’t share needles or syringes. Seek help from a local clinic if you are shooting or using street drugs. Learn about “safer sex” to protect yourself if you are sexually active. Safer sex practices include using latex condoms or dental dams to stop the transmission of the virus.

Top

Do I need to see a therapist?

Being gay is not a mental disorder, but for a variety of reasons, a therapist may be helpful for both you and your family. Therapy cannot change sexual orientation but it can ease the confusion and promote positive coping skills.

With support and accurate information, confusion about sexual identity will resolve. However, you may still have feelings of isolation, no matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality. Seeking help is a healthy response to social stressors and may allow you to cope more effectively.

Web Design by

Top